12 mind tricks I thought to be true during a breakup that simply were NOT true & the amazing lessons I’ve learned a year-out since healing:
The story of: “I’d never find love again”. The truth is that love finds you when you're open to it. My actual definition of love post-breakup completely shifted from what I thought love “should” look like to what love actually is. For me, love is an energy I feel in my life that shows me my heart and sense of compassion, kindness, connection & acceptance are expanding. Meaning: love doesn't go away, it's a choice we make in each moment. When you function in the world as such, love & romance flowing into your life are quite inevitable.
The story of: “There aren't any good options out there”. May I just say that this thought is such a projection of the worst-case scenario and that there are actually SO many incredible people out there! Since my break up I’ve met amazing men *consistently* simply by being open to seeing the best in people--and that's without dating apps! And while I’m still not fully ready to commit to a serious relationship again, I will say that my suitors so far have been a much better fit for me because I’m more grounded in myself post the break up experience-the places where I didn’t listen to myself, the things I sacrificed that I didn’t need to in order to have a partnership, my deepest relational needs, etc.
The story of: “I failed”. Maybe the biggest mind trick of all because the truth is: The breakup was a success. It was necessary for my greatest happiness and for bringing my truest self into alignment. If it’s not meant to be-letting go is a huge strength and shows a lot of courage despite what anyone says, thinks, etc. Following inner honesty cannot be a failure.
The story of: “We can stay friends”. This was a part of me still wanting to be liked and loved. I’ve stayed in touch with past loves & lovers just because my ego didn’t want to be forgotten. But not everyone’s meant to come forward with you on your journey. And sometimes it leaves room to truly move on when you simply clear away people who were only meant for a certain chapter in your life. There can be a direct correlation between letting go of the old and inviting new opportunities into your life. It’s a blessing to you and to other people when you let go of needing to hold on tightly to a past story that’s no longer relevant to where you are now.
The story of: “I’ll be replaced”. I know my place within the heart of another could never go away just like the memories that live in my heart stay within me. I believe when we merge in a deep way with another human, whether for a short time or a long committed relationship their energy and lessons stay with us. There’s a reason we are attracted to certain people/energies and why different humans/experiences come into our lives. These people/events teach us lessons we need to learn: some small, some very big. Life itself is the teacher of that which we thought we saw but actually didn’t OR what we saw clearly but overlooked for the sake of another.
The story of: “I’m not as amazing as I thought”. The truth is we’re all amazing in our own ways and we all struggle in other ways—no matter how much we work on ourselves life will bring up situations that show us our own imperfections. I learned that I’m just as amazing (if not more;)) than I thought ANDDDD I definitely have my flaws too. Certain situations or compatibility traits bring out different qualities in people. A safe & incredible love will hold space for you to work through your imperfections with gentle care while also leaving room to feel great together. A good business tip I've learned can apply here: assessing what you did well & where you need to improve with honesty & humility and very frankly, moving forward.
The story of: “Moving on looks a certain way”. People have their own journeys, rhythms, and paces. Your personal flow is perfect as it is. Be honest with yourself & do what you need to do to move forward: get support, travel, cry, whatever it is. Above all accept yourself and the time you need to take now. Healing isn’t linear, it can look messy and can also be immensely beautiful.
The story of: “I’m unlovable”. NOPE-People love you very much. Maybe, you don't even know some of the people who watch your journey and admire your path! The ones who do will be there to show up when you need support. They will remind you of who you are and what you’re made of and that you get to choose your path forward from here. It’s uncomfortable to witness painful times from the outside & to feel them from the inside but you’re always worthy and always loveable. Let yourself be loved through your painful moments and show up where you can for loved ones who are going through it right now.
A few final lessons:
Celibacy can be a great way of cleansing energy, past pain & trauma. Reengaging in lovemaking, playful sex, and deep intimacy can also be very healing when done from a connected place.
Shame, guilt, fear, grief, pain, anger, rage, resentment, sadness, loss of hope, etc are all really deep & difficult emotions. Feeling these emotions is necessary when they arise. Denying or resisting these emotions causes more pain, frustration, shame, etc.
To be loved well you have to love yourself well. Breakups are chances to wrap yourself up with SO MUCH self-love that it becomes the new standard for every future relationship. Embody how you would like to be loved and you shall receive my darling.
*Lastly for all wonderful women out there: your feminine power & magic are never lost. Our lives may shift, our bodies may change, and time keeps moving but a woman who knows her magic, who embodies her one a kind nature is a straight-up QUEEN. Don’t forget who you are and if you do, have a dear friend remind you. Step into your magic, mama. Many sisters have walked the path and
are cheering for you as you find your way. You are amazing & you are supported! We love you <3